All my life, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to grow up, get married and have babies before I had any concept of what that entailed. My friends and I would play moms with our dolls. As I got older the picture got clearer in my mind. I wanted lots of babies; a big, happy family.
Fast forward to when I actually became a mother. Everything was new and not everything came easily, but I loved my daughter and was soaking up the newborn days. I probably would have begun thinking about a second when she was about 18 months or 2, but it was the furthest thing from my mind when I found I was pregnant again when my first was 3 months old.
With two so close together, life was busy and hard and beautiful. But as they grew out of the baby stages I began to want something more and applied for a few different jobs. Many moms make comments like "I could never be a Stay-at-home-mom" or feel guilty for wanting something more. And here I was, with everything I'd ever dreamed of and it wasn't fulfilling me the way I had thought. I ended up taking a part time job working from home. I loved the challenge and that I had something for "me" - something to think about during the endless mindless tasks of dishes, laundry, and diapers.
A little over a year later I had my third and for a few months it was overwhelming with two preschoolers, a newborn and a part time job. I was answering messages for work in bed while my newborn slept and the older two watched Daniel Tiger.
That newborn is turning two in a few months. My oldest is starting Kindergarten in the fall and my second will be in preschool 3 days a week. The reality of it began to hit me recently, I'll only have one toddler at home with me for the first time ever. What do moms do when they no longer have babies at home? What do moms of olders do with all their time?
Of course, I'm sure there will be many, many things to fill my time. I'll actually be able to give my youngest some one on one time and maybe the house will stay tidy for more than 20 seconds at a time. But knowing this doesn't solve my emotions around the idea. I never planned beyond the babies. Do I go back to work full time? Do I stay home and volunteer and invest in my children's schools? Do I do something part time while they are at school? Should I go back to school?
Then, the other day I came across a quote on instagram that spoke to me by @honestlymommy :
"But then slowly I realized that "mother" is not all I'm meant to be; it's not the end-all-be-all, it's just a beautiful part of my story and life."
I was never meant to find complete fulfillment in motherhood. I was created to be a woman, not just a mother. I have dreams, and passions, and talents and skills beyond the scope of motherhood. I'll be a mother for the rest of my life, but I'll only have kids at home for about a quarter of it - and I had kids young, so I'll have a good half my life ahead of me by the time they are adults. I shouldn't have been looking for fulfillment in simply being a mother. It is truly a sacred and beautiful time, but it's just that - a short time and I don't want to live my life stuck on something that was only ever meant to be a small season of life.
So here's to embracing my womanhood, not just motherhood. Here's to chasing those dreams and passions as the years go by and my children become more and more independent. I'm excited to get to the know the woman better as I have the mother of babies and see how I grow and evolve with my children. And whatever the future holds, there will be hard parts and easy parts, but it will all also be beautiful parts of my story.
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